Ten Ways to Help Children Build Self-Esteem

Children need to have confidence in themselves in order to succeed in their daily lives and to realize their future potential. Joining a martial arts program is a great way to build confidence in children because they will learn various techniques that enable them to keep themselves safe. As they learn these techniques, they also receive concrete confirmation of their success as they advance through the belt ranks and receive praise from their instructor. In teaching martial arts to kids over the past twenty-three years, I have worked closely with parents, teachers, counselors, law enforcement and others in order to understand the daily strategies that can help children achieve their potential through building their self-esteem. What follows are some of the strategies that I have seen work for parents and that we employ in our programs at Team Karate Centers.

1. Reward your child. Give praise, recognition, a special privilege or increased responsibility for a job well done. Emphasize the good things that your child does, not the bad things. A reward can come in many different forms, from a simple “that-a-boy,” to “I appreciate what you did, let's spend some time together today.” You can reward your child for good behavior or an act of kindness by doing an activity together, something that your child enjoys. However, you want to avoid the notion of bribing them; avoid saying “I'll buy you this if you do this.”
Children learn well when they feel rewarded. At Team Karate Centers, we help each child's learning process by rewarding them in every class. A simple high-five to a child, or saying “I'm proud of you for your effort or improvement” or “I love the way you show your enthusiasm” can establish confidence in a child's own perception of their ability, building their self-esteem.

2. Give your child some responsibility. When children are given responsibilities, they feel useful and valued. A simple task such as taking the trash out, setting the dinner table, cleaning their room, or assisting with daily household maintenance will allow your child to feel more confident about his or her role within the family. At Team Karate Centers, we familiarize children with the idea of helping out around the house through a simple game of “clean up camp,” where children interact with the physical set-up of the martial arts class. By giving children responsibilities, you are allowing them to achieve expectations that will allow them to feel proud of their contributions to your household.

3. Have reasonable expectations for your child. When children have incremental success stages (small successes along the way to a larger goal), they are more prone to becoming successful in their lives. Every step toward the goal builds a new layer of confidence and self-esteem. For instance, at my school we have designed a program that not only rewards children every three months but also every week and in every day of their class.
Help your child to set reachable goals so that they can achieve success. At Team Karate Centers, we model this by evaluating each student individually, not on the merits of other's skills and abilities. We base student progress entirely on the individual student's own effort and progress and their specific mental, physical, and emotional capabilities. We do this because our goal is to build a child's self-esteem so he or she can overcome their various daily challenges and so that we can turn them into a 100% success each and every day of their life.
4. Use phrases to build self-esteem and emphasize positive behavior. Make sure that you thank or praise your child regularly by saying things such as “Thank you for helping” or “That was an excellent idea!” This will help reinforce positive behavior and let a child know that they have done a good job. If you expect your children to consistently behave in a positive manner, you need to recognize it. If you do not recognize their good behavior in a positive way, their self-esteem could suffer, as well as their understanding of your expectations for them. The reverse is true, of course, for bad behavior. If you want your child to lie, simply ignore them every time they do. If you want your child to cheat, simply humor their cheating or dismiss it as child's play. However, if you want your child to behave in a positive way, you should verbally share your excitement and enthusiasm about their positive behavior.

5. Discuss problems without attacking a child's character. If children know that there is a problem but don't feel attacked, they are more likely to help look for a solution. If your child does something wrong, don't attack their character, discuss their behavior instead. In our martial arts classes, when a child behaves below an instructor's expectations, we highlight the student's specific behavior, not their character. When you identify a child's character based on their behavior, you open up a direct assault on the child's morale. The idea is to boost their morale rather than to tear them down. Children are all good – they misbehave because they lack understanding of appropriate boundaries, acceptable expectations, their own feelings and their potential. By saying, “Johnny, I did not like the way you behaved in class today,” we question the behavior as opposed to saying, “Johnny, you were a bad kid today, give me ten push-ups.” By attacking the character, we reduce their self-esteem, but by targeting their behavior, we don't harm their self-esteem. This way, we also set expectations that are reasonable.

6. Enforce the rules you establish for your child's behavior. Children thrive when they are given well-defined limits and when they know for sure that there will be consequences to crossing those limits. Just knowing right or wrong is not enough for a child to behave in a positive manner; they need to know the boundaries for appropriate and inappropriate behavior in order to clearly understand your expectation of their role as a member of your family. Guide children to fulfill these expectations instead of telling them what to do with the threat of punishment or the reward of a bribe. Never make a threat of discipline unless you are planning to follow through with it. It is very confusing for a child when you make empty threats or you constantly use authority to make them do something. At TKC, we believe in using influence and discipline instead of authority and punishment. Influence means that we guide your child into the appropriate behavior instead of demanding it; and discipline is done out of love whereas punishment is done out of anger and frustration.

Correcting a child's every move and thought every second of the day is not the most effective manner of guiding children. At TKC, we believe in seeing everything, overlooking a lot, and correcting what we must. Our instructors are trained to make these distinctions.
Define limits and boundaries clearly, and enforce them, but do allow leeway for your children within these limits. Set the limits with flexibility in mind. However, make sure you are enforcing the rules, what ever they may be.
Just like playing a game, once you know the rules you can focus on enjoying it; so, too, for children. Kids who are not constantly being yelled at by their parents tend to feel better about themselves.

7. Lead by Example. Be the person you want your kid to be. Be a good role model. Let your children know that you feel good about yourself. Also, let them see that you, too, can make mistakes and learn from them. “LBE, Triple E's” is a phrase we use at Team Karate Centers. It stands for “Lead by example, energy, and enthusiasm!” The kids that we see do really great at TKC are the kids who have their parents train right alongside them in martial arts. However, you can spend time together in other ways or share other favorite activities besides martial arts. But if you want your child to exercise, then you must exercise. The same goes for other activities and behavior.
Every day we see kids in our school using their parents' choice of words and mannerisms. Children are impressionable and we should choose our behavior in front of them very carefully. Furthermore, we need to choose their role models very carefully. Inconsistencies in behavior and words will guarantee confusion within a child. Although we want our children to be flexible and adaptable to change, we need to minimize inconsistencies within their lives. Instructors at TKC offer good choices for role models because they are upstanding citizens and have been thoroughly trained not only in martial arts techniques but also in child psychology and development. Our programs at TKC have been developed in order to establish consistency in training and character education for children.

8. Address and validate your child's feelings. Validate your child's feelings and listen to his/her thoughts. Make sure to stay objective, though. As a parent it is sometimes too easy to over empathize with your child's emotions. Be a good listener by allowing your child to vent and process their feelings by sharing them with you but avoid making a harsh judgment either against your child or against someone else. Children need to feel that their feelings matter to you but it is not always wise to fight their battles for them.
At TKC, we like to work closely with parents who enroll their children at our school. We often suggest that parents make a distinction between empathizing and sympathizing. For example, if a daughter comes to her mother and says, “Johnny pushed me to the ground and called me a name,” instead of losing your temper and wanting to stand up for your child by finding Johnny and yelling at him, try to empathize with your child's emotions and use that moment to teach your child correct conflict resolution, instead of emotionalizing the situation. You can show your child that it's okay to feel what they are feeling and that it is good to process one's emotions before taking any kind of action. This is how we teach children to avoid acting out of rage, jealousy, vengeance, etc., which is a very important lesson in martial arts. Your child will have increased confidence because of your support of their feelings but also in their abilities to solve their own problems.
Martial arts training first teaches students of all ages to become deep thinkers and to think before they act. By learning to process their emotions and to think more deeply beyond what meets the eye, martial arts students become more centered and have more balanced emotions. This can come from having more confidence in their physical abilities or even more confidence in their control over their emotions. Either way, after a few months of martial arts training, your child will exhibit better self-esteem because they will have the tools necessary to face many uncomfortable situations from a point of confidence, not from a point of fear.

9. Help your child develop tolerance toward those with different values and backgrounds. Point out other people's strengths. In our martial arts school, children learn to be non-judgmental toward other people's challenges and toward differences in thinking or in looks. When a child learns to be non-judgmental toward others, they will be less judgmental and less hard on themselves; when a child learns to feel good about themselves, they will make people around them feel good, thus contributing to their success at every stage in their life. If, on the other hand, a child is taught to be constantly critical of others, a child will become extra critical of himself/herself. At Team Karate Centers, we teach kids to look for the good in every person and every situation, while at the same time being very aware of potentially dangerous situations. By looking for the good in every situation, we teach children how to create a learning lesson out of difficult challenges, building their self-esteem by increasing their confidence in their own abilities to cope with adverse situations.

10. Show how much you care about your child. Hug your child. Tell them they are terrific and that you love them. Nothing is a bigger reward than for a child to feel your love for them. As instructors at Team Karate Centers, we express our appreciation for a child regardless of their behavior, so they know that we love them unconditionally at all times. When a child feels your unconditional love, he or she can manage his or her emotions with confidence much easier than hiding their emotions behind short-term positive behavior. Just because a child misbehaves, that does not mean we should withhold our love. Remember, discipline actually comes from love, because by disciplining your child you are helping them to identify the limits of acceptable behavior and helping to positively influence a child's behavior for the long term.

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